Tuesday, December 30, 2008
This year has also been the year I have started blogger, as a lot of you guys probably have. I've met a lot of really cool people out here. :) I just realized something: this will probably be my last post in 2008. :O
I really need to go back to school. I feel like I'm about to go insane from boredom. D: And yes, I am dead serious. :P It feels like no one posts anymore, it's kinda sad. :'(
I'm not sure if I ever posted about this, and I'm too tired to look (yes tired, not lazy, there is a difference, which I will explain in another post on a rainy day (:) but I hate that feeling like someone is watching you, yet at the same time it's sorta comforting to me. Like someone is watching out for you, cares about you in some way. And yeah, after I feel that few seconds of comfort I get totally creeped out.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year! :D
Sunday, December 28, 2008
"It's the crap that bores the crap out of crap" :)
Again I wasn't able to sleep very well last night. But I did do some very productive things: Learned the lyrics to "Faust Arp" by Radiohead, which, might I add, was very hard. I can now sing along to it almost perfectly, even though I can't sing for crap :); went to bed at 10:30, but only till 11 did I realize how early it was since I couldn't fall asleep; texted my friend till about 12 since she's out of town and she's and hour behind; learned the lyrics to "15 Step", which is also by Radiohead; and wrote this:
I feel like I’m falling,
I’m going nowhere.
No one hears me.
No one cares.
No one’s listening
To what I have to say.
And no one’s showing me the way.
I’m trying to speak
But no words are coming out.
I’m all alone,
I think I took the wrong route.
I cry myself to sleep,
I have no one to comfort me.
I feel so blind,
I can hardly see.
There are two roads,
I’m not sure which I should take.
One I’m not sure where it leads.
The other could be a horrible mistake.
I want to find a way,
I don’t want to be alone.
I need someone with me.
I’m not sure where I should go.
But no one cares,
Or at least that’s how it feels.
There’s no one I can trust,
No one to help me heal.
I promise I'll make some better posts once I go back to school, it is so boring being stuck at home. :P
Friday, December 26, 2008
You gotta love that picture. :)
Yes, I know it is nearly 12 at night. I know I should probably be in bed. Even though I'm exhausted, I just don't feel like it. Great excuse, right? :)
Hmm...I think I'll post one of the poems I've written. I'm starting to put all of the poems I'm writing in this computer. It's nice to have somewhere to put all of the crap I have. I had so many pictures and stuff in my old one, it was a mess. Anywho, here it is:
It feels like you’re watching me,
Even though I know you’re not there.
Whenever you’re around,
I can’t help but stare.
I want to be yours,
I’ve never had any doubt.
If you ever read this,
Could you figure this out?
It’s always been you,
Don’t you understand?
You’re all I can think about.
You’re everything but bland.
The way you look at me,
No words could describe.
Don’t you believe me?
Can’t you feel the vibe?
All I‘ve ever wanted
Was to feel you touch.
Why can’t that happen?
Is it just too much?
I want you to know
that I love you, for you.
You’re perfect to me,
If only you knew.
It's not that great. But whatever. I want to start writing about more abstract stuff, not just about love. It's starting to get very repetitive to me. Hmm...I think I might try that later tonight. :P
I think I'll go to bed now. I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I can't believe it's almost Christmas; there's just one day left. It doesn't feel like the year is almost over and that it's almost 2009. It's pretty amazing how it feels like time flies, and how some years feel longer than others. I think it's just how you live life; the more you've lived and the better the experiences, the shorter it seems. But if you do almost nothing within that year it will seem to drag on forever, and it will seem like it will never end.
But anywho, I've written some more poems. I'll probably stop posting them for awhile, especially if I keep writing them the way I am. :)
Here's the first one:
Why couldn't you make that promise?
The one that counted most of all.
What would I do without you?
Without you I would surely fall.
Who would I tell everything to
if you were to go?
I have almost no one left in my life;
I have too many foes.
You mean everything to me
whether you know it or not.
You may not think you're special.
Has this always been your plot?
You may have done some stupid things
but that does not mean you are so.
You may think you're a no one,
but I would be nothing if you were to go.
Staring blankly at the walls
I can not believe where I am.
How did I get here?
Has this always been the plan?
Why did we come here?
I feel so lost.
Do you still think this was such a good idea?
If so, don't you realize the cost?
There is no hope
in this bleak, desolate town.
I feel so worthless.
I have a permanent frown.
I just want to move,
to be anywhere but here.
I don't feel safe.
Now I'm always living in fear.
I trust you so much,
Just take away the pain.
I will do anything
just to keep me sane.
Why do you do this?
Can't you make up your mind?
Sometimes you're so cruel,
but when you're not, you are too kind.
That's why I still talk to you,
you are like my addiction.
You help me through everything,
but am I the only one who feels this friction?
You mean too much to me
for me to let you go.
Sure, at one point I loved you,
but now you need to know.
You've hurt me too many times.
I've felt too much pain.
You never truly loved me.
I've lost too much to regain.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! :)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I didn't sleep very well last night, I was too busy thinking. Some things were really bothering me. And it actually felt, I guess, good to post that poem. I wrote it. I didn't go through different websites looking for the perfect poem to express my feelings. So instead, I wrote two last night. I stayed up late trying to edit them and make them perfect to the best of my ability. I went to an online rhyming dictionary to find the best words to go with each other. It felt right to write about my feelings and get what I was thinking about out of my head. So here are the two that I wrote:
As I walk through the halls
I see your face in the crowd.
Your bright blue eyes staring back at me,
they seem to be screaming so loud.
I want to be able to tell you,
I just want to feel your touch.
But I don't think you'd understand.
I just love you way too much.
Even though I don't know if you truly love me,
You are the most trustworthy person I know.
I don't know what I would do without you.
What would happen to me if you were to go?
I wouldn't be able to survive
Without your eyes shining back at me.
Should I tell you how I feel?
Or should I just leave that up to destiny?
I think I will tell you what you mean to me,
I want to know what you have to say.
Do you truly love me?
If not, my world will turn to grey.
And the second:
These feelings I have for you can never go away,
You'll always have a special place in my heart.
I now know what you meant to me
Now that we're so far apart.
I'll never know if you liked me,
I never had a chance to ask.
Since I moved away from you
Finding out has been my task.
I've replayed conversations over and over,
Trying to remember the fun times we've had.
But not once can I remember
You ever making me mad.
You were perfect to me,
I'll never have a doubt.
Did you even know I existed?
I guess I'll never find out.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I had forgotten about this poem until I found it in my closet today. So, just so I don't lose it again, here it is:
I looked out my window,
the sky turning black.
The frustration and anger
that made me hold back.
I wanted to tell him,
to tell him the truth.
I wanted to show him
how much he made me hurt.
I looked away, remembering the pain,
the blood boiling throughout my veins.
I took a walk to shake off the anger.
I didn't think I could take it any longer.
But then I saw him, his face in my head,
I'm thinking of all the fun we used to have.
I missed it all, but mostly him.
Without him, my world turned dim.
Pretty good, eh? At least I thought it was. :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The other day my mom and I were talking in the car. Which I hate doing and we never do because it usually ends in us fighting. Which this one did, but that's a story for another day. (;
Anywho, I don't exactly remember what was said in order for us to be on this topic, but I said "You don't always need somewhere to go. Just driving anywhere is fine, and you don't always need a destination."
Which resulted in my mom saying "Well, it's pointless to drive nowhere."
I eventually just gave up trying to convince her that no, just being free and driving anywhere anytime is fun and not at all pointless.
My mom and I disagree a lot. We rarely ever agree, and when we do, it only lasts for a few minutes before we start fighting again. Which really pisses me off. I don't feel like I can tell her anything. She just doesn't understand me. I know almost every kid thinks that, but whenever I talk to my mom I feel like shit. I'm always wrong and she's always right.
Which I think is another reason why I'm the weird, quiet girl who sits in the front of the class and always reads. I'm afraid to trust people. There is only three people that I trust. Trust is usually like hot and cold, black and white to me. It's either I love you or I hate you, barely anything in between. Which is another "life lesson" I learned from my mom, along with "everyone is out to get you".
So I hope one day I'll be able to leave, driving to absolutely nowhere with the three people I trust.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
"Love is like a rainbow, colorful and never ending, sometimes dim and sometimes bright, but always beautiful to the eye of the beholder."
I wasn't sure if I was actually going to post this or not. It just really stuck with me. I had this amazing dream Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. No dream has really stuck and influenced me as much as this one has. And the most important part is I still remember it! I rarely remember my dreams, so this was a first:
So I won't bore you guys with the beginning or middle. It was useless and doesn't really matter that much. It was just the guy I like and this girl I completely despise hanging out. Then the next part is confusing and I won't post about it.
Then the most important part: Me and the guy start having this amazing conversation. Don't ask me what it was about, because I have no idea. But I'm almost positive the dream was in black and white. Why? Because all I really remember was his bright blue eyes. He already has amazing blue eyes, but this dream just made them, well, even more amazing (if that's even possible (;).
So on Wednesday morning I looked up 'blue' and 'talking' on Dreammoods.com (seriously, you should check this website out-it's amazing :) This is what came out for each:
Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.
Depending on the context of your dream, the color blue may also be a metaphor of "being blue" and feeling sad.
(The last part is not true, unless it could mean the beginning of the dream.)
To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre. Consider also if what you say evoke strong feelings or behavioral reactions. The dream may simply be highlighting your need improve your communication skills or learn to express yourself more clearly.
Both make complete sense, especially blue. I trust him so freakin' much! (once again, it explains the neck thing.)
Woah. That's all I remember.
5 Days Till Christmas!!! :D
Thursday, December 18, 2008
We sounded awesome, except I messed up sometimes. :P I almost fell. Twice. My dress is too long, so I almost tripped over it.
We were in the middle of playing this really slow song, when all of a sudden this tapping noise is coming from upstairs, and totally throws us off. Or at least it threw me off, I'm not sure about everyone else. So we had to stop the song. :D Yep, it was pretty funny. :)
Tomorrow is going to be a half day, and it's the last day before our break! So I have my two favorite classes tomorrow, first and second periods. We're probably not going to do anything at all all day. Then I'm going to the movies with some friends. That's basically it.
Oh, and remember when I said that I totally freak out when someone touches the back of my neck? Well, you know who can (sorry for the lack of specifics. I know some of my friends read this, can't let them find out who I'm talking about (;). It's a long story, but I found out today that he can. I think it's from trust. I trust him, so he can. My one friend does it to me all the time because she sits behind me, so she can, and I jump so badly. It's really bad. But he can, and that's all that matters. :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It was sooo much fun! It wasn't really that cold, even though it was like 26°. :) When we played for the old people it looked like they really enjoyed it. Some were singing to some of the Christmas carols we played. When we were about to play A Charlie Brown Christmas, though, my chin rest, of course, falls off, and one of the little arm things falls off with it. So I had to put down my instrument and screw the thing back in while, must I remind you, everyone else was playing! I entered through the middle of the first part, but still, we were standing, which made it all that much harder. :P
Then for our second concert, which I just got back from, was so much fun also! :) I got to see some of my old friends from the middle school I went to last year. The beginner group sounded so cute! It was awesome. :D Nothing bad happened. Oh, I almost tripped up the stairs because my dress is so long, but I didn't actually trip, so it's all good. :)
Our last concert before Christmas break is on Thursday, which will be at our high school. I can't wait! :)
World geography was fun. This one guy and I got into this huge discussion about how we both don't like people, and we were basically just talking. We worked in groups, so him, me, and another guy worked together. He wants to be a dictator ha. :) He has the best eye contact, ever! I wrote about him in one of my posts, y'all probably know who I'm talking about, hopefully. :) <3
Oh, and he kept staring at me throughout the concert. Wonder what that was all about. (;
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Of all weeks to get sick! I have to go to school, nonetheless actually want to! I have 3 concerts, & I have to go to! This is not good! We're also reviewing for exams in french, and practicing the speaking part. :( I'll be able to play, it's not like I'm throwing up or anything, I just feel like crap right now.
I can't wait for Christmas. All I'm really asking for is a laptop (because my computer is retarded) and a few CDs. That's really all I can think of asking for. Oh, & speakers for my iPod. Yeah, that's it.
I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm starting to get a headache.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I've been tagged by Ali! Thanks Ali :)
1.Each blogger must post these rules first.
2.Each blogger starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
3.Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things.
4.At the end of your blog, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.
5.Don't forget to leave them a comment, telling them that they've been tagged and to read your blog.
1. My favorite color is green.
2. I sometimes have music A.D.D: I can't listen to a whole song, no matter how much I love it. I usually can, but sometimes I just can't. :)
3. I play the violin.
4. The volume on the TV has to be set on an odd number.
5. I'm better at sight reading during orchestra than playing a song I have been working on for months, or one I have previously played. I don't know why, maybe it's just because I get bored of the song easily? I'm not sure. :P
6. I can not write in blue pens; I only use them when I don't have any other pen.
7. I love to re-read books and find all of the little things that I missed when reading them for the first time.
8. My favorite song changes almost daily.
8 People I tag:
Stranger to Life
"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people." ~unknown
I am having serious writer's block. I don't know what to write about anymore. Nothing interesting is going on, & I have no thoughts to write about. This is horrible!
Friday was really boring. Our other teacher for world geo (yes, I have two teachers) was our substitute. He was getting graded, so he threatened us on Thursday (ha) to make sure we behaved. I think he tried too hard, or at least that's what it looked like to me. He's usually so mean, but yesterday he was okay, not really, but he was nicer. He even let us talk for a bit! He never ever never lets us do that when it's just us and him. It was very surprising.
Orchestra went very well. I hope we don't screw up any of our concerts. We sounded good yesterday, so hopefully not.
I have to find a long black-sleeved shirt, or a white-sleeved one to wear for our concert at the retirement home. I don't have one, & and my mom is shorter than me, so that probably won't work either. We have these really long shirts that we have to wear (I'm so short mine is probably longer than everyone else's :) so I have to tie mine in the back. & they're short-sleeved, & it's suppose to be cold & rainy on Tuesday. Blech.
I'm sick too. I almost lost my voice yesterday 'cause I have a bad sore throat, & today I can't breathe out of my noise. Ugh. Of all weeks to get sick! :(
Oh, & "Rien n'est parfait" means "Nothing is perfect" in French by the way :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Today was okay, I guess.
I'm really excited for Tuesday. We have two concerts that day-one during school where we go to a retirement home, & another one after school with the middle school I went to last year. I get to miss most of English. :D
But we have to walk to the retirement home (it's right across the street. Don't worry, it's not child abuse, you don't have to call child services (;). That day it's suppose to be freezing, windy, & oh yeah, it's suppose to snow. It never snows here. But when it finally does we have to walk in it. Everyone's probably gonna freak out. :)
World Geography was fun. I'm starting to really hate this one girl in my class, though. She keeps telling me my best guy friend is gay, which I'm almost positive he's not (it's a .01% chance that he might be, not that there's anything wrong with that. (;). It just irritates me! So what if he's girly, it doesn't mean he's gay! Grrr. I'm so mad. Five people in my world geo class have asked me if it was true. It's starting to get old. The real problem: she used to looove him. He doesn't have the same feelings for her, so I'm assuming that's why she's telling everyone this, to get back at him. :( She also has the most perverted mind ever. You don't even want to know some of the things she has said. ~shivers~
It is a horrible feeling. When you love someone, & they don't like you back. Even the other way around-when someone loves you but you don't like them. What are you suppose to do? Tell them the truth? Or just try not to lead them on? That's the problem with my friend-he's so awesome, but he leads a lot of people on. He doesn't mean to. It just sorta happens.
He feels horrible (or as horrible as he can feel :). She likes him, he doesn't like her, & now all of our world geo class thinks hes gay.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
So, my last post was my 100th post, but I didn't realize it. Oops. :) So I guess Happy Belated 100th Post! Woot.
You Look Like a Cancer
It's likely you have a bit of a baby face. People think you're younger than you are.
You have prominent cheeks and a very expressive jaw. You usually have a big smile.
Your feet and hands tend to be a bit small compared to the rest of you.
Not that the rest of you is all that big. You're probably a bit shorter than average.
Like most Cancer people, you are probably incredibly compassionate and kind. You have a big heart.
You are also shrewd, intuitive, and wise. No one's going to take advantage of you.
Next week I'll have a lot of stuff to blog about: 3 concerts. Blech. Not that I don't enjoy playing. They're fun. But, I don't know.
That's it. :P
Sunday, December 7, 2008
"Love isn't finding someone you can live with; it's finding someone you can't live without."
This post is going to seem very repetitive to the posts I've posted a few months ago.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about him (in a good way (;). I'm anxious to see him tomorrow. I want to see him. No. I don't want to. I feel like I need to, it's that bad.
Ugh, the quote is so true. I can't live without him. It's impossible. If you saw him you would feel the same way. And if you knew him, omg. He has such sexy hair and eyes haha. :) But I do like him for more than his looks. He is one of the sweetest guys I know. Even though he can be a total ass sometimes, but who isn't?
But asking him out is out of the question. Not now at least. Maybe soon, I don't know. Maybe I should just move on? If that's even possible. I will aways love him, even if it's just like a brother, or if it's how I feel right now.
Wow, I love blogging. Telling complete strangers about my personal, pointless problems helps. A lot. :/
I will reply back to y'all's comments within the next few days. I'm just too lazy to do it now. I'm sorry.
"It's called subliminal messaging."
"Wow, that's a big word for you." (sarcastic)
"So is evacuation." ~ My friends are awesome :)
Not much has been going on.
I feel alone. My dad broke the washing machine (Idk how :), so now him and my mom are out getting a new one. I have the house all to myself (even if its only for an hour). Hope I don't burn the house down. :)
This is actually pretty cool. I'm blasting music from my playlist, which I can never do.
According to BlogThings my family is 66% dysfunctional. Hard to disagree with that. (;
"Even if the voices aren't real, they've got some great ideas."
Woah. That has got to be the bumper sticker I put on my car.
Hmmm...yesterday I went to the mall with my friend. It was fun. I got two CDs:
Sam's Town The Killers
Stop the Clocks Oasis
Both are very good. I love "When You Were Young". It's probably my new favorite song. :)
Eh, that's it. Hopefully we'll play at the retirement home this week. ♪
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
"...I don't feel what you feel, I don't want to feel this incomplete. No one here can tell me how to fill this space between. Everyone knows you're my one regret. Everyone knows you're my one weakness..." ~The Last Goodnight
Woah. A lot happened today, which is basically just useless info that none of y'all probably care about, but whatever. :)
So in orchestra, we sounded pretty awesome. I love playing Christmas music, I don't know why, it's just, I don't know, relaxing? It's just nice to have orchestra first thing in the morning. :)
In world geography we played "Jeopardy". We split up into three teams, with the guy that is the two year old (remember?) on my team. & I guess I kinda like him, but not really, but he is just sooo incredibly smart, it's unbelievable some of the useless facts he knows. But anywho, I got almost all of the questions right, except one (stupid Suez Canal :P) but when I did get one right, I got a high five from him! Haha, I know, stupid, but it still brightened up my day. :D
In English tomorrow we have a bus safety evacuation thing, & we have to go outside and learn how to "properly evacuate a bus". Pffft. It's a good thing to learn, especially with orchestra and all the trips we go on, but most kids won't remember it. Their brain capacities are too small & if they try to fit anything else in it they might forget their locker combination (from Two and a Half Men! :D). So tomorrow will be "fun" in English.
We've had a student teacher in English since the beginning of the school year, but she's going to be leaving on Friday. :'( It's really gong to be sad, she is so much cooler than are regular teacher, but oh well. She might substitute for our class though. :)
Our concert is coming up for orchestra soon. We have two, I don't remember the exact dates, but it's like the day before we go on Holiday Break. Can't wait till I see my friends from last year! :D & we sound so much better than we did last year. Oh, & did I mention we're gonna get a student teacher for orchestra soon? Yep, that is going to be hard. I hope it's after UIL, we'll do horrible if it's not.
Monday, December 1, 2008
I cannot believe it's already December. This year has went by so fast, it's almost 2009! :O
It's crazy. So much has happened this year. It's just amazing.
I just took a blogthings quiz; I'm clam chowder: :D
You Are Clam Chowder
You are cynical and a bit provincial. You don't trust what's new or trendy. You are also indulgent and hedonistic. You like rich foods, and you would never count calories. You are not a big cooker - or a big foodie. Food is not complicated for you. You eat what's comfortable. And what's from a box or can. You're very low maintenance.
It's somewhat true. & I love clam chowder :)
*Here's the link* 'cause I'm too lazy to load the quiz on my computer. :P
Today was fun. I'm assuming no one practiced over the break 'cause that's how we sounded, at least for the first half of orchestra. Towards the end we started to sound pretty good . :)
World Geography was okay. There's this really creepy guy in my class who always sneaks up behind me and scares the sh!t out of me. He put his chin on my shoulder the other day when I was sitting down. I jumped out of my seat so fast, it scared me so badly. :P Ugh, he's just the creepy guy that sits in the back of your class that seems like he's going to be a murderer when he grows up. I don't know, that's just what I think of when I see him...